Why there is no such thing as “too picky” if you’re dating again
Recently I saw a post on FB joking that dating after your 40’s was “like shopping at the thrift store looking for something that still works and doesn’t smell”. I get the humor in that and have felt that way myself. If dating is like shopping at the thrift store, then you CANNOT be too picky! But I don’t believe its like shopping at the thrift store, I believe its more like going to a swap meet in the original sense of the word.
A good old fashion swap meet is a gathering of like minded enthusiasts willing to swap what they have for something that someone else has. For example if I were at a guitar swap and I have an ’83 American made Strat that I am willing to part with, but only if I can find an and ’88 Ibanez Jem. I know what my guitar is worth and I know what the one I’m looking for is worth. They are both fairly equal in value. The problem I might run into is that the Jem owner might be looking for something other than a Strat and be unwilling to trade. I respect that because I would not be willing to sell or trade my Strat for anything other than an ’88 Jem. We both know what we bring to the table and what we are hoping to go home with and if it is not there, we are willing to walk away and save it for another day.
When I was younger and just starting out as a musician, I bought the best guitar I could afford that everyone else was saying I should get because I didn’t know guitars that well. But after 40 years of playing guitar, I know what I like in a guitar and I’m willing to pay for what I want. Some guys like this in a guitar and other guys like that and I know the music I want to play and what guitar feels best in my hands. I don’t worry about what other guitarists like, I know what I play best and I want that.
So what does this have to do with dating when you’re older. Well if it is not obvious already, I’ll break it down a little.
If you have been told or if you have wondered yourself, if you are being too picky, then you are doing it right! You should be picky! You’re not a teenager or a young adult with no experience. Maybe you see past the exterior stuff in the first 20 minutes of meeting someone. The red flags are obvious to you: Their kids have nothing to do with them. They talk about themselves and show no interest in getting to know you. They talk bad about their ex. Or maybe they’re great but they’re just not what you’re looking for. You have nothing in common. Different interests. Different senses of humor. Physical attraction is just not there. Whatever it is, once you know this is not going to work, and you’re willing to walk away, that is not being picky, that is being mature and wise. They might be a great person, but they are a great person for someone else not for you, and you know that. Because you already know that the amount of effort and time it takes to make a great relationship work is a lot, and you can already see it’s not going to work out, then I believe it is kindness to not take it any further. Maybe you just figure these things out faster than everyone else. Don’t doubt yourself. You know what you are worth and you’re willing invest yourself when you find the right one. That is not being picky! That is being smart.
The Right One
I am not a believer in “soul-mates”. Hell there is almost 8,000,000,000 (that’s eight billion) people on the planet and you mean to tell me that there is only 1 out of 8,000,000,000 that is right for you and you have to find them!! God created our planet. He gave it a design, a pattern, found in all aspects of nature. There is a certain harmony to how things work. The idea of “soul-mates” doesn’t fit in with how anything else works! A great relationship can work with hundreds of thousands of people for each one of us. I think that for most of us, less than 20 “swapmeets” is all it would take before we find the “guitar” we’re looking for.
From Singletown to Couplesville
So you moved to Singletown years ago because it was the only place you could find a home. But now after living there awhile you love the home you are in. Its in a peaceful neighborhood, no drama, you come and go as you please, its a safe place to live. There is a lot about Singeltown that you have come to really love. Over the years you’ve become familiar with all the back roads and short cuts that Singlestown has to offer and you especially enjoy the gated community you live in.
Now you have friends that live in Couplesville and some of them seem to really love it. Your friends often encourage you to move there. But in order to move there, you would need to find a home you really love. The one you live in now is so good. Moving to Couplesville, means it has to really be a great home that has everything you have now and more. You’re not looking for a bargain in Couplesville. You don’t want a fixer-upper. Why spend your free time always having to fix things that aren’t working. No if you’re gonna move to Couplesville, its gonna be in a great house, on a great foundation, repairs from “previous owner abuse” have been taken care of and done right. And until you find that house, you’re very content to live in Singletown.
So if you know what you bring to the table, and by that I mean not only knowing your value, but also knowing your flaws, and you know what you are looking for, someone not perfect but perfect for you, then keep looking till you find them. They are there and they are worth the wait and you are worth their wait… and they are probably just as picky as you😁😁
Interesting…….